Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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