How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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