i permit you to call me
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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