apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
