hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
