I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
