she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
