All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
