Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
