How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
