I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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