wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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