I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
