I can text with my tongue
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
