just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
