I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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