Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
