How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
id be glad to
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
