I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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