How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
