you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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