Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
