I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
