woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
