I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
