YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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