alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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