It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
