before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Let's get the cat blown out
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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