i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
