The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
