This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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