Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
50% drunk capacity currently
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
