just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
