two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
