I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
