but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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