Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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