i just had sex bonerless
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
