but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
