Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
