She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
