it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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