I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
