worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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