I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dignity is for republicans.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
