if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
