The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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