Yo dont text me then not text me
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We're too hungover to prance.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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