I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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