You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
