i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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