I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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