Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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