You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
